Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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