I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
