I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
