I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
