Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
