seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
