i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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