dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
