I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
