Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
