soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
