Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hippo gnu deer
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
