In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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