I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just found a bag of teeth...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
