I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
