she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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