I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
