If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
