Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Houston, we have a blender
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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