# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying