I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
false alarm, still single
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
