peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
