sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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