Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
