I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
