There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
