she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
