Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
