He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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