you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
