I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
