We're facebook friends in real life
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
