i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
