i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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