If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
