If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
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She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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