what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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