So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
