i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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