I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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