my phone needs a breathalizer
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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