I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
