i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
