just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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