you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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