I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
