I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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