I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
