my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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