someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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