Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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