just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
