So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Its about making memories worth repressing
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
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you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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