She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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