Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
