What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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