You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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