Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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