YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
