last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
