Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
