I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
