My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
NoShamevember. You game?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
