you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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