Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
