he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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